


My Everything....My Bucky...My Heart

by Mom_Nicole



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes refuses to let Steve die, Depression, He isn't dealing well at all, He should really see a doctor but he hates doctors, M/M, Steve is dealing with everything on his own, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, depressive Steve, so winter soldier never really happens, this all takes places before winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-08 13:55:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15244857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mom_Nicole/pseuds/Mom_Nicole
Summary: Steve was lost in a sea of depression and the only cure was someone no longer alive, alone with his depressive thoughts, Steve takes matter into his own hands....until he is saved.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a ask on tumblr for depressive Steve, I've done something like this once before and it always needs up longer then I mean it *shrugs*

He was at a all time low. He knew it, his brain most certainly knew it, his body knew it….even his dry chapped hands knew it. He knew he was what the doctors liked to now call depression. He didn’t really give a fuck what it was called now….it had always been with him in some way….even before the ice….the war.

The only constant back then had been Bucky...always Bucky….so much so that some days he couldn’t even breath and it had nothing to do with asthma. Bucky was grounding, he was his source of joy….of love….of everything. Maybe that hadn’t been healthy back then….but neither was half starving somedays and that was a thing many had dealt with back then.

No having Bucky as his everything hadn’t felt wrong back then and it didn’t now, it was just…..no matter how many times he punched this punching bag….his anger wouldn’t go away….his bone deep depression wouldn’t go away, nothing made it go away….not the punching...not the meds….nothing could ever make it go away but Bucky and it was….gone.  
_______________________________

The battle of new york feels like one giant blur to him, by the time it’s all over his feet are dragging into his apartment, but not really seeing it. The oldies music he puts on is nothing but white noise now and he thinks ‘I don’t want to be here anymore.’  
___________________________

He doesn’t really have anything....not really which makes packing nothing more then throwing some clothes in a backpack. He leaves his long written out letter for Tony to find along with his shield. He hates to leave it he really does, it’s been with him so long now, in some part it IS part of him, but he was Steve Rogers before anything else and if he’s going to leave everything behind, it’s going to be as Steve Rogers not Captain America.  
___________________________

He finally gets to his last stop, the French Alps. It’s beautiful….he can say that much about it at least...even if he feels his fake age right now. He can’t even muster up smiles for anyone he passes, just takes his cabin key and drags his feet to his cabin. The inside is nice too, as nice as the surroundings outside his room….out the huge window he faces...but...he had a plan coming here and he won't back down from it now.  
________________________________

The cold steel glints up at him like a taunt….his best knife…..one given to him by...Bucky long before he ever went off to war leaving Steve behind….a gift he had said at the time….but even then Steve had known, it was a form of protection...Bucky was worried about leaving him behind with no protection….and while Steve should have glared and said not for the first time how he could take care of himself….he had just taken it with a sad smile and then they had had the best love making before Bucky had to ship off the next morning.

Seems fitting to use this...to finally join Bucky….he’s so tired...the war he wanted to fight in is long gone and this new one people keep trying to start now….it’s not his, NOT REALLY and he just wants some peace for himself….something just for himself. He swallows thickly watching the knife glint in the low bathroom light yet again. He knows Bucky would be so mad at him for this, but….what does one do when it hurts down to the very core of them to be without the one they love the most?

Knowing there’s a way to see him again and be with him forever…..it just sounds to promising…..so why...oh why can’t Steve do this? He can barely see the knife anymore past all the tears in his eyes. He feels like a coward…..he can’t even do this simple thing and he sobs when it dawns on him past his bone deep sadness, the serum would just heal any damage he does to himself anyway.

There was no escape….he was stuck in this life alone….forever….unless….he looks out the bathroom window just barely making out the huge bridge in the forest, one used to get a great view of everything. His jaw tightens as he makes up his mind.  
___________________________________

His flannel shirt billows in the wind as he looks down from the bridge, his simple jeans and boots, not really keeping the cold at bay, but it doesn’t matter. This is the only way to be with Bucky…..it just consumes him now.

A man out of time is just the tip of the iceberg for him…..he feels adrift…...afloat in a sea where nothing makes sense anymore….nothing is like how it used to be and he never thought he would long for the day he wanted to be back in the 40’s.

The tears running down his face feel like ice and when he rest his hands on the bridge, he barely feels the snow and ice on his fingertips. “This is the only way….the only way.” He whispers brokenly.

There’s only pain and sorrow and he just wants it to end…..he doesn’t even know how he went this long, but now it feels like he can barely breath and it’s time and before he can even think on it any longer, he starts pull himself up on the bridge to stand when suddenly there is a loud pained filled roar right before something hard slams into him and he’s tackled away from the edge of the bridge and into a snow drift.

Did he hit his head on the way down? Did he fall down? Blinking his eyes isn’t helping much, all it yields him is dark brown hair in his face and the sounds of a sobbing man holding him so tightly, Steve wonders if his ribs are broken from the strength of it.

When the man lifts his head, Steve smiles…..smiles brokenly….he must have jumped after all….there’s Bucky..in all his beautiful glory….his own personal angel, “Bucky….”

“Steve…you...goddamn….son of a bitch….you were going to jump...YOU WERE GOING TO JUMP!!!”

He starts sobbing in his chest again and Steve furrows his brows in confussen. “But I did jump Buck….your here with me now.” Steve says dreamily.

Bucky shakes him as much as he can, still not letting go of his body at all….it’s really only then that Steve notices his arms are pinned to his sides, and Bucky is looking at him with worried and concerned eyes.

“Stevie…..you didn’t jump….you didn’t I swear it doll...i’m right here you damn fool...i’m right here.” Bucky pleads, never taking his eyes off of him.

“I don’t….I don’t understand….your dead...I saw you fall….I let you fall...it was all my fault.” Steve starts sobbing brokenly to lost in his grief to see the clear truth right in front of him.

Bucky keeps holding him, afraid if he lets go Steve will try to jump again and that’s….that’s not something he is going to let happen….for now he just holds Steve and lets him sob out his grief as Bucky starts crying again. He won’t fail Steve again, he refuses to let it happen.


	2. There You Are

It took him….days….a solid week really. While the soldier...Bucky...he had to remember that now….that name...that was him….fuck. While it had taken days and days of slowly wearing Steve down, he knew today was going to be the day that he finally got through to Steve.

Not because he was going to be super nice about it, but something had to give. He...dammit he’s Bucky….well a more used version of that man, but still he remembers….so much that it hurts sometimes, but he does, he remembers enough to know this man...his Steve is someone his soul belongs to and vise versa and this new Bucky was going to have to use some of his winter soldierness to get through to his love.  
__________________________________

Which means when Steve wakes up Bucky is already in his lap and wearing...his winter soldier uniform, he even put on the dam mask, he takes a deep breath and prays this is what works to get Steve out of his head because if it doesn’t….he’s out of ideas for the moment.

“Bucky?” Steve’s eyes still hold that dreamy not really here look they have carried all week and Bucky hates the look….it’s so out of place on the blondes face.

“Bucky isn’t here anymore.”

“But your right here...you sound like him…”

Bucky takes a deep breath, ok he can do this it’s fine, it’s for Steve’s own good right? Even thinking that hurts Bucky because….it sounds too close to something hydra might say and that….he has to take another deep breath here.

It’s not like he is all better after getting out from hydra, he has plenty of his own issues, but they have been taking a backseat to Steve’s issues, but boy are they trying to show themselves right now….he has to shake his head and remind himself, this is for Steve. His lover may not have suffered as greatly as Bucky did, but he suffered in other ways, he can see it plain as day.

“I’m what’s left of Bucky after I fell off that train Steve.” Bucky growls.

“But your here...Bucky it’s ok you're here now with me, the pain is gone.” Steve’s voice is still coming off dreamy. Time to up the game.

Bucky’s hands wrap around Steve’s throat gently enough at first. “We are not dead Steve, this is what Hydra made me into, after I fell, after they made me their thing to do with as they please THIS is what they made me into.”

Steve’s eyes are wide….he’s not saying anything….Bucky hopes that means progress finally.

“I killed and tortured for them for 70 years Steve, some would say i’m a monster, that I should be put in a cage and never see the light of day again.”

He tightens his hands slightly, Steve swallows thickly. His eyes are suddenly unreadable.

“I was out on a mission when I saw you on the news, plain as day in that damned red, white and blue uniform and you know what it did to me Stevie?”

Steve’s lips part as if to speak and Bucky tightens his hands enough to cut off any words he has to say, but not enough to cut off to much air...just enough to make Steve gasp...to really feel it.

“I’m fucking standing there in my motel room ready to leave on my mission and I just see you standing in the goddamn street, looking battered and bruised, your face for all the world to see and just like that, I was on that fucking table again when you first rescued me and so much came flooding back I nearly passed out from it.”

Tears slip down Steve’s face, his eyes red and wet now.

“I was so shocked I broke down crying, the dam asset reduced to tears over a man who didn’t even know he was alive anymore.” He growls out finally squeezing harder.

Steve’s hands finally reach up to his wrist, but their not trying to break the hold, if anything they just hold on, thumbs pressing into the pulse point. His eyes widen even more, his face starts crumbling, but he’s not fighting him, just letting it happen.

“I could kill you like this Steve and no one would ever know it was me, that’s what they made me into right?” It’s a good thing Steve can't see his face all that well right now, he would see the tears in his own eyes.

“I’m just a monster….a killer.”

And THAT Makes Steve look even more upset, like he can’t stand to hear those words. And that is what Bucky was aiming to get out of him, to pull him out of his headspace. He loosens his hands around the blondes throat and sits back in his lap watching him.

“But...I didn’t fucking save your sorry ass from that fucking bridge to kill you like this Stevie. I love you...and your not allowed to leave me like that...NOT EVER!” Bucky nearly yells at him, getting more and more worked up himself. “Not like that….never like that baby.” He finally whispers, removing the mask.

Steve slowly sits up with Bucky still in his lap, eyes as wide as can be, body trembling and hands shaking as he takes Bucky in a hug so tight it hurts, but Bucky doesn’t care because the next words out of Steve’s mouth means he finally got through to him.  
“Oh god...Bucky….my Bucky….oh god oh god i’m so sorry...all this time….oh fuck all this time you were alive…”

Bucky wraps his arms around the blonde and holds on just as tightly, fingers bunching up the shirt on Steve’s back as he trembles in the blondes arms.

“I got you sweetheart...oh my god...fuck...I got you sweetheart and i’m never letting go again.” Steve says brokenly and finally Bucky lets himself go and sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky was on a winter soldier mission when he saw on tv the battle of new york and saw captain america and....he remembered EVERYTHING. He ran away from hydra and tracked down Steve instead.


End file.
